schmegmafest (schmegmafest) wrote,

Daddy's Closet

Whether or not you'll admit to it doesn't matter. I know we've all been there one time or another. You're at your friend's house. Nobody else is home. His eyes light up, his mouth closes to form a tiny O, and he says "Hey, wanna see somethin'?"

That "somethin'" could be a few things. His father's gun. A dead animal on the side of the road. His sister's journal. However, in most cases, it is something pornographic usually belonging to his parents.

This has happened to me a lot. It's happened so much, in fact, that sometimes I wasn't even impressed. Once, I was directed to my friend's older brother's bedroom in which I was shown an outdated issue of Playboy, and a measly box of condoms. I remember myself saying, "That's it?" because not two weeks prior, I was privy to a stack of Hustler's large enough to climb, and a blowup doll.

The most shocking part about these experiences wasn't the things I saw, but rather the people who owned them. One friend of mine had the prudest of mothers. She was always outraged at everything she saw. She was the kind of mother who monitered everything her son watched on TV, and wouldn't let him watch certian PG-13 movies.

One day, as this friend of mine's mother was headed to work, the moment the door closed, his eyes lit up and his mouth formed that oh so familiar "O". Seconds later, we were in his mother's closet. It turned out, this prude of a woman was the owner of quite a large dildo collection, a stack of porn movies, and a book on sex positions.

I could never look at the woman the same way again. AFter that moment, everything she said came out as, "Dildo dildo dildo. Big black dildo. Little pink dildo. Weird curvy dildo that vibrates. DILDO! DILDO!"

I was listening to a comedy album with this friend one time, and his dildo mother walked in on us just as the word "Fuck" was uttered. She told us to, "Turn off this filth!". All I wanted to say was, "Hey lady, I got a gym bag full of dildos with your name on it that says we CAN listen to this album!"

If that prude was my mother, her secret little gym bag would have been the most powerful weapon in my blackmail arsenal.

"You can't watch this movie. It's rated R"

"You're right. Perhaps I can borrow a movie of yours. Let's see. Oh, I got one! How about Cockstalkers 12. One through eleven were so enthralling. I can't wait to see what happens next!"

Another thing I'd do is, everytime she did something to piss me off, I'd throw another one of her dildos out. She wouldn't be able to say anything, but hopefully she'd make the connection, and leave me alone.

Unfortunately, and fortunately, the days of being shown the dirty secrets that lie in the closets of peoples' parents are past me. Soon my children will be making "O" faces, and leading their friends into my closet. I'll make sure to keep it well stocked. Hope they like horse dildos.
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